Obstacle courses?

I am too tire. it seems like endless obstacle courses like a survival game. I struggled and continue to struggle from day to day. Physically, I work myself to the limit. Hoping things will be better soon and keep this hope up. Emotionally, I am not sure what happiness is and if it ever existed. Life seems to be a constant gray picture for me. Maybe I wouldn't be around to see the brighter side of things or maybe things will be become better soon. Until that day comes, I will try my best to be positive and bring joy to the people I care for. I truly hope all of you have a holiday filled with joy, love, warmth and more importantly; health.

Quote of the day: What doesn't kill you, will only make you way more miserable than before.

10 Years Ago...[Another long entry]

Life turned upside down 10 yrs ago...life was never the same ever since that day. The questions I had, the emotions I been through was like those Korean drama. I just can't believe it happened to me. When I looked back, it feels like I survived hell. I was grateful that darkness time of my life passed.  I mean life still have to carry on. The only differences is that my smile started to fade away slowly. I realized that most of my clothes started from that time forward were gray and black. I guess unconsciously I felt a bit depressed at that time. It's pretty painful to keep myself reminded every so often that I am unique.

However, who would expect that hell was only the beginning of another hell. Guess I must be grateful that it gave me a 9 years break from the 1st hell. About a year ago, I was hit with another surprise that I was caught off guard. I kept telling myself. It's nothing and things will be alright at the end of the day. The problem of that is the more I say that to myself, the more I am worry and sad. Once the fact sinks in, I semi-accepted that fact. I started to do research to understand about it but the more I read, the more sad I am. On multiple occassions, I had to stop research about it. I just can't take it anymore. Even to today, I still questioned myself about it. Why does it have to be me? What did I do to deserve such things? :( 

I know I have to be positive to live on. At least, try to be positive to the people around me. Maybe one day, those things will get resolve. So, I can live in a normal life once again.

Quote of the day: Be grateful for those simple little things you can do because a lot of people out there will never be able to do it.

Depressed?

A friend of mine once asked me why do I sound so depressed on fb. I wanted to tell her that if you know what I been thought and how I survived each single day, you wouldn't say that. Of course, I didn't say that to her because I don't want to promote negativity at all. However, the fact is that I tried my best to be positive each day but it's easy to say but very hard to accomplish. It's even harder when I read about it online. The more I read, the sadder I am. I am like the live version of those Korean drama. Either way, I still have to read and understand it. I have the right to know and be prepare mentally whenever it happens. I know that there isn't much I can do about it. Just need to accept the simple fact that I am very special. Special enough that I wish I never wake up after I sleep at night.

I am not sure if there is anyone whom still reads my blog. Guess I just want to express myself and hope I can feel better afterward. 

Quote of the day: I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

A resourceless deserted island...

A resourceless deserted island is a term I am using to describe myself these days. Basically, that term defines me as a resourceless (no property, car and money) person. Therefore, it leads me to become a deserted island. I don't know since when love relationship is build base upon financial level. I think most female looks at guys based 50% on financial power, 30% on physical appearance, and 20% on personality. Of course, they always say money isn't everything (but w/o money, you are nothing). I am not saying all females are like that but alot of them are. 

I am not sure if I ever can fall into love. It's harder for me because I am very unique. Unique enough for me to think twice about it because of the consequences that I may bring to my other half. Sometimes when you tell them some surprising facts, it may bring harms to them. Hence, I do not want to hurt anyone. No one knows what the future will be. All I can do is to have hope at this very moment.

Quote of the day: Just remember there is someone out there that is more than happy with less than what you have.

Another recap of my life...[Beware: This is a long entry!]

I apologize for the lack of update on my blog. Too much crap have happened since my last entry. Life was never easy for me but who would expect there is another rock bottom after the one that I am already in. Let me go recap my so call life.

Family: I wish I am a selfish person. So, I don't need to deal with all these crap. Since I am not, I can't blame anyone else but myself. I am pretty much fed up with it.

Work: A war is about to begin. It's already pretty miserable. Will the war make it worst or good? Either way, enough is enough. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Time for me to counter attack. It's all in or nothing.

Personal: I am not so sure if I have one or not. I rarely have time for social gathering. I am still single and resourceless deserted island (will explain this term in my next entry). All I have is a kind heart but probably not worth much.  

Hope is one thing that is getting smaller day by day. Stress is growing greater day by day. I am not sure how I can bare it at all. Sometimes I wish I can just get wasted completely and forgets all the problems. Although, I am curious what will I do when I am drunk. I actually never get drunk in my life. Maybe I am worry of what I will say when I am drunk. I have too much secrets to hidden deep inside my heart. Some I may only say to my future gf. Others I will carry it to my grave.

Quote of the day: Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes life just sucks.

At the end of the day, what's the most important to you?

At the end of the day, what's the most important to you? That's the question I been asking myself lately. Is it happiness? If it is, I don't feel happy at all. Even though I may not be happy, I am trying my best to bring happiness to others.

I knew something is up but I have been putting aside for awhile. I guess I am avoiding it and hoping it's just nothing. As the time goes by, it kept reminding me. Maybe I am just too scare/worry to find out what's up. Will the fact really haunt me? I don't want to think about it at this very moment. Whatever it is, let it be. There isn't much I can do about it anyway.

In the past few years, I understanded a very important fact. Life and death is closer then one can expect. In a blink of an eye, there maybe not more tomorrow. Maybe that's why I kept this blog up and running. I want to use this blog to remind myself in 10, 20, 30 years later that what I felt and been through. May all of you cherish life.

Quote of the day: Look for something positive about this moment.  Even if you have to look a little harder than usual, it still exists.

Cruel Reality of Judging by Others...

Ever since I was little, I was told that personality makes up and maybe even wins over both physical appearance and financial status. I am pretty sure a lot of you heard that before. However, if today's cruel world, it's the totally opposite. Majority of the people judge others by 47% of their phyical appearance, 50% of their financial status and maybe (if lucky) 3% of their personality. There have been several well known terms that decribe these kind of people in various languages such as gold digger (US), 港女(HK) and 拜金 (CN). Maybe there are a few people, whom really judge others by their personality. If you happen to be one of them, I really really admire you and hope you continue to do that.

Quote of the day: People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Wasted my time?

Few days ago, I almost wanted to swear at my boss and say I freaking quit and slam her door. Of course, I kept all inside of myself. The thought of it make me more and more clear of what I don't want. With my health taking a toll on this in a serious way, I officially submitted a transfer. Hopfully the consequence of it would not be retaliation. I mean work has been pretty miserable in the past month. I am not sure how long I can keep myself calm. Sooner or later, I will explode and it ain't pretty at all. I been asking myself "what did I accomplish at work in the past 8 years?". My mind draws a blank. However, I do know one thing for sure. I do not want to work there in the next 8 years of my life.

Quote of the day: Three things you cannot recover in life; the WORD after it’s said, the MOMENT after it’s missed and the TIME after it’s gone. Be Careful!

Is this all?

The more I think, the more I am lost. I mean I finished high school with high grades as I promised one of my elementary teacher back then. Then, I finished undergradute and begin my master. At this point, I am not sure what I am looking for. I ask myself if this is all I been waiting for? Degree after degree? Is this all? It seems like either I am in stressful classes or at a depressing job or both. I am good at what I do for work but it's also because of that, I get thrown with massive workload. I guess they getting more bang for the buck from me.

I know I should enjoy life but it's one of those things. Easy to say but very hard to do. I've been trying pretty hard to relax myself and enjoy life. Sometimes I wish I can go back in time and change my history. Maybe life will be a lot more enjoyable if my darkness moment in life never happened. I guess I should be like that old saying says "let the past be the past". How will my future be? I really have no clue. I just got to have hope. With the advance of technology, maybe one day, I can overcome the obstacles I have today.

Quote of the day: The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow. For every challenge encountered there is opportunity for growth.

A bit lost...

Suddenly, I felt a bit lost in this very moment. Everyone that I know seems to be busy with their life. I am the only one whom isn't sure what to do and where I will be in 10 years from now. I don't dare to think that far ahead simply because no one know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe I get hit by a bus while I bike to work and that's it. To think of it that way, it's actually okay. People probably wouldn't notice of my non-existence until they needed my help. The only people would notice will be my family. I mean we all are heading that way. It's just a matter of time.

I know I should be more positive. Sometimes my mind is out of control and keep on wondering. It's becuase of that, I had sleepless nights. Too much to think about. I am not sure what I did in the past 10 years. I felt I kinda wasted my time. Did I accomplish anything? Am I happier than before? All I can say is that reality is a bitch. I guess I should look on the brighter side. I am still alive each day. I had a few close calls in the last 10 years. Not sure where I will 10 years from now but I will definitely start planning ahead in a realistic way.

Quote of the day: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.

Be grateful!

Before I begin, I would like to give my deepest condolences to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 victims and families. 

I was following this news while I going home on the San Francisco flight when it first vanished. It got me thinking what if this happens on my flight. I hope the authories will find the black box to untangle the mystery behind this tragedy. Picturing yourself as one of the passenger on the MH370. Who would expect that it will be the last flight in your life? Life is shorter than you can imagine. No matter how bad your situation is, you are still breathing! As long as your are alive, nothing is impossible! We all should cherish every single moment of life. That is also why I took a mini-vacation to SF to visit my online friends. I am grateful of knowing all of you. I will continue to keep in touch with all of my friends. May all of you best of luck in life!

Quote of the day: No matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

WTF

All I wanted was a peaceful birthday. Am I asking too much? I tried my best to be the best friend, brother and son. I don't need any special gatherings for my birthday. I think I deserve at least a little bit of peace. But hell break lose on my birthday.

Sometimes I wish I have a remote control and can pause and mute everything. So, I can at least enjoy my birthday. Maybe I should've travel somewhere alone to escape all of these dramas and celebrate it by myself. I think I would be at least a bit more happy. I really don't know if I can take them anymore. Life is already a mess to begin with, I really don't know how much more I can handle. Hiding everything from everyone is a very hard thing to accomplish. Some things are better off being left unsaid.

Quote of the day: Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us.

Bitterness

I am not sure if there is such thing as an afterlife. If there is, I hope my afterlife is full of sweetness and joy. My current life is just full of bitterness. The more I force myself to look at the bright side of things, the more I felt that I am telling white lies to myself. I tried to figure out feasible solutions for my problems but reality is a bitch. Currently, there is no way to resolve them. Maybe these problems will not be problems anymore in the far future. I am not sure if I can see that in my lifetime. The only thing I can do now is to walk around them. I knew deep inside of me felt that the more I want around them, the more pain I will suffer. I tried very hard to pretend to be happy and smiles. I really don't know how much I can pretend any longer. It's getting harder and harder these days especially trying to find ways to relax and enjoy myself. I even had nightmares when it's the worst scenario. It's like the end of the world for me.

Quote of the day: Bitterness is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.